Guilty – the exact word to call me since I have abandoned my blog for almost more than two years. It’s not that anyone is ever interested to read it that I’m pressured to update it, but I think the genuine message of the ‘act’ of leaving my blog untouched for such a long period of time suggests that I have also ‘abandoned’ my love for writing – and comes with it the connection that I have with myself.
To be downright true, I am torn for how many months already if I am still to keep this simple online space or just throw it away and start all over again.
So why have I not blogged anymore? What exactly happened to me that I’ve lost the spark of weaving words and writing with sense? The truth is – I don’t know. Quite frankly, I’m also surprised that it has been two years since I hit the Publish button.
The past years had been too harsh for me. A break-up, financial downfall and drastic career shift left me so paralyzed. Plus, I always had this idea that I have to write impeccably to consider myself worthy of the cause. Clearly, I wasn’t able to get back on my feet and start writing blog posts instantly. And I did, at some point still consider myself a blogger – pfft. What a shame.
Woe to me who haven’t produced anything on the table for months. Woe to me who haven’t developed my schedule to find enough time for writing. Woe to me and my perfectionist but catastrophic irregularities. I don’t know what happened… but I lost it. I lost the touch, the magic, the words, the writing, the scribbles, the love for English.
I lost it.
How convenient it is to say that right now I think I was bitten by a bug that I suddenly wanted to write. But what transformed me? What moved me? What sense in the universe has forced me to get my butt up on a chair again and use the keyboards of my laptop?
Maybe, I blame experience.
For soooo many times I really wanted to just ditch my chopstick lady account and breathe life to a new name. It’s not that I don’t like this blog – it’s just that I think I have outgrown it. I started this blog not really because I want to share things, but because I wanted people to notice me and read my works; maybe- I just wanted to move with the ‘flow.’ But gone are those days. Right now, I wanted this blog to be my thoughts immortalized into
words. I want it to have a sense of purpose, to really connect with people, to engage my readers and (if not really be a part of their lives) just be a part of their day.
And so here I am, adjusting my sails as the wind has changed its course.
And I’m choosing to retain this blog – maybe change its name someday though – but I’m sticking with it right now. Besides, it is the perfect example of my transition from being just another cookie-cutter to being a blogger with a soul.
So, a different blog? Maybe…. or maybe not.